Men have nothing to do with it and I’m almost convinced that they go through it as well.  Menopause is annoying as anything I’ve ever known.  Where is the girl I once knew?  Full of life, energetic, happy?  Now I’m tired, annoyed, overweight (well that was already there but it’s surely harder to lose), and annoyed; oh wait I said that.  I meant to say sleep deprived.

But even though I feel like a mess, and wish I was as energetic as I once was, I know the Lord still hears me and is with me.  I think sometimes He get’s annoyed with me, but He’s there.  I was talking to a couple of people today and I happen to look at the verse of the day and it was exactly what we needed for our conversation.  How perfect is that!  It was Psalm 143:10. We ended up reading the full Psalm and all of it was perfect for our conversation. It was what we needed for the day or definitely what I needed for that moment.

God has put some great people in my path and I am grateful, because it helps during this time of change.  I don’t like it but here it is…change.  Change is something we can always count on! This change was expected but still somehow caught me off guard, and now I find myself looking for the girl I once was instead of embracing the women I am becoming.  Surely, this annoyed, fat, tired feeling will subside and I can feel like a normal person again.  His Word carries me, fills me, doesn’t annoy me.

A start of a new year can be exciting and also be seen as an opportunity to start over and leave the “old” behind.  But it also brings sadness.  There are family members that didn’t make it to 2020…well here on Earth anyway.  I like to believe that my loved ones are in a place where time doesn’t matter and there is a celebration every day.

For me, the last day of the year brought sadness because I saw a dog get runover yesterday.  It scared me and brought me to tears.  I saw it as a sign.  At first, I wasn’t sure about what the sign was but after talking to a few of my sister’s in Christ, I realized that the sign meant that “some things are ending with some things ending abruptly like the dog’s life”.

The first day of 2020 brought an end to a relationship.  Two people on different paths.  I’m sad to see this friendship come to an end but God has shown me a future that will have its trials and tribulations but a promise of never leaving me and seeing me through these trials and tribulations to fulfill His purpose for His glory.  As I reflect on the end of a friendship, I feel that God is pruning me.  It hurts because there is a cutting away but a cutting away that is necessary for future growth.  A future that I am looking forward to.

The joy came with spending time with family making buñuelos.  It is a family tradition to make buñuelos the last day of the year.  It brought warmth and joy to my heart to know that I am not alone.  I have children, grandchildren and brothers and sisters who love and support me.

Deuteronomy 31:6 “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you, he will never leave you or forsake you.”  He is a way maker, miracle worker, promise keeper and a light in the darkness.

I hadn’t written in/on my blog for a while not because there wasn’t anything to write about but I felt like I had pigeon hold myself with the title of the blog.  After giving it some thought, I realized that doesn’t matter and I should just write. 

I didn’t like my last blog because afterwards I felt like maybe I had behaved like Joseph when he shared his dream with his brothers and father.  I don’t know how anyone else felt but I know how I felt and I didn’t like it.  That is the other reason I hadn’t written in/on my blog.  I think it’s in. 

This morning, as I am lying here convincing myself to get out of bed, I decided to write again. Not worrying that if what I am writing about matches the title.  Today, what I am feeling, and honestly what I have been feeling for a while, is missing my old life.  The past.  When the past was the present, it was overwhelming and busy, but now I miss it.  And when I think of the past, I think of the verse in Corinthians:

1 Corinthians 3:21-23 New King James Version (NKJV)

²¹ Therefore let no one boast in men. For all things are yours: ²² whether Paul or Apollos or Cephas, or the world or life or death, or things present or things to come—all are yours. ²³ And you are Christ’s, and Christ is God’s.”  Things present and things to come not things in the past because God doesn’t live there but sometimes, we do.

I realize I am my own problem.  There is so much I want to do…lose weight is number one but I’ve convinced myself to workout at home or not workout at all.  Mostly not.  It’s not that I haven’t gone to the gym by myself before, I have, but in the past when I got home, my children were waiting for me.  It felt good to come home to someone.    

So how to get beyond this once and for all?  Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful, so grateful, in my heart and in my mind but my actions don’t show it.  Isn’t Paul that says:

Romans 7:15-20 New King James Version (NKJV)

¹⁵ For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. ¹⁶ If, then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. ¹⁷ But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. ¹⁸ For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. ¹⁹ For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. ²⁰ Now if I do what I will not to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me.”

So today I begin my journey of changing how I feel.  Because what I do is opposite of what I feel.  What I feel is loneliness and disappointment in the person I have become.  I can do better.  Maybe I’m a little tough on myself, but I need to be, because fear isn’t from the Lord is it?  And it is fear that is holding me back. Fear of getting hurt both physically and emotionally.  To move forward makes me vulnerable.  Living in the past keeps me safe.  So these two verses I read to motivate myself and start my new journey:

Isaiah 41:10 ¹⁰So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

1 John 4:18 ¹⁸There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

So I hope to document my journey and find my strength in the Lord and let him uphold me with his righteous right hand.  Not fearing the pain that could come with exposing myself but finding the joy that will come. I want to live and live the abundant life Jesus died for and promised.  Finding joy in this amazing life I have now!

John 10:10 New King James Version (NKJV)

10 “The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.”

Acts 2:17 New King James Version (NKJV)

¹⁷ ‘And it shall come to pass in the last days, says God,
That I will pour out of My Spirit on all flesh;
Your sons and your daughters shall prophesy,
Your young men shall see visions,
Your old men shall dream dreams.

About two years ago, when living in England, the church I attended had a guest speaker who was teaching on how to interpret dreams.  He would also be interpreting dreams for a few people in the congregation. 

I was lucky enough to get one of my dreams interpreted.  Below is the dream interpreted for me in 2017:

I was driving a large customized RV down a highway with other RVs following me.  There was only a little girl in my RV and no one else.  The people following me felt to be like family (brothers and sisters).  I had turned left off of the highway to a narrow road.  I was afraid the RVs wouldn’t fit down this road even though I could see an RV turning left ahead.  I saw a lady, wearing white pants and a white blouse, standing on the sidewalk and I decided to stop and ask her about it.  I asked if our RVs would fit down this narrow road.  She said yes and then pointed saying, see other RVs are turning up ahead.  She also said that there had been a better road for me to have gone through but I had already passed it and there was no need to go back.

As I was getting back in my RV, one of my sisters was now in my RV.  She was doubled over in pain and said she had come to my RV so she could feel better. I said “ok” and started driving again.  I turned left ahead with the other RVs following.  I do remember seeing a parking lot full of RVs in the distance.

I don’t remember the full interpretation of the dream, but I do remember most of it.  I was told that as the driver I was a leader and my customized RV represented a specific type of ministry.  My sister, who hadn’t been feeling well, meant that it was a healing ministry for my sisters in Christ.  I was leading others, which meant I would be leading others down this path or guiding them down a path of healing.  I do remember being told that turning left was a positive sign but I don’t remember what it meant.  Unfortunately, I didn’t think to record the dream interpretation.

The guest speaker asked if this meant anything to me.  I said that two years prior, in 2015, I had started a group for women whose husbands had passed away (a widows group).  This group still meets regularly but I am no longer the leader.  Now that I’ve returned from England, I don’t see the need to run the group again and my friend, who is now leading the group, is doing such a great job.

From the dream and other discussion with friends in a ministry in England, I created the vision board below:

Genesis 15:4-6 talks about God talking to Abram about his heir and his future descendants. God tells Abram to come outside and tells him to look up to the heavens, at the stars. God even teases Abram and tells him “count them; if indeed you can.” God knew Abram couldn’t count the stars, because there were too many to count, but that was the point. The verse goes on to say that Abram believed what the Lord had told him. 

That was God creating a vision board for Abram. To help Abram keep the dream alive and remember the promise God made.

In June 2018, the church I was attending had a Women’s Conference. At this conference, the Reverend introduced an artist who painted a canvas for the women’s conference. The painting was breathtaking. I reached out to the painter and asked if she would paint Abram outside of his tent looking up at the stars. She did, and this is what she came up with:

I truly believe she captured how Abram was feeling and what he was looking at that night. As a bonus, a poem was written to accompany the painting. Below is the poem:

THE DREAMER’S DREAM

• He Lived A Life As Others Lived
• Just Going Day By Day Until He Heard A Wondrous Voice
• That Said, “Come. Come Away”
• And Leaving All He’d Ever Known
• He Listened And This Man
• Went Off To Follow That Great Voice
• This One Was Abraham.
• For God Knew What Was Inside Him
• That This Man As It Seems
• Would Be One Who Would Follow God
• And Join With God In Dreams
• For God Had Dreamed A Glorious Dream
• Like Dreams They’d Never Known
• He Dreamed Of A Great Family
• Where Heaven Was Our Home.
• It Isn’t Easy To Dream Dreams
• You Have To Follow Hard
• And Believe What The Dreamer Gives
• And This Dreamer Is God.
• One Night When Abraham Had Felt
• That He Had Missed The Mark
• The Dreamer’s Voice Called Out To Him
• In A Dreamless Night So Dark.
• “Abraham You Have A Dream
• I Put It There In You
• And Since I Promised You This Dream
• Know That It Will Come True.
• I Told You That You’d Have A Son
• And Grow A Family
• So I Want You To Count The Stars
• How Many Do You See?
• Each Star You See Contains A Dream
• That You’ll See Will Come True
• But I Must Ask You If You Trust
• Who Gave This Dream To You?” Abraham, An Old Man Now, Said
• “Yes Lord I Believe!”
• And The First Star That Was A Dream
• In Sarah’s Womb Conceived.
• So Dreamer Don’t Look At Your Age
• God’s Not A Man To Lie
• Yes Know There’s Dreams Waiting For You J
• ust Look Up At The Sky.
• Monika Langguth TGBTG August 4th, 2018©

I prayed all week about what I should write.  This verse has been on my mind and in my heart all week. I didn’t realize, until I pulled up the poem, that the poem was written exactly one year ago today. Coincidence? I think not.

Have you ever wondered if what you are hearing inside your head is your thoughts or the Lord speaking to you?  I have!  I truly believe that the Lord does speak to us.

While at a church in London (Truth Vine Church), the congregation was encouraged by the Reverend to sit and listen to the Holy Spirit.  She felt His presence and believed we would hear from the Lord.  That was in June 2018. 

In May 2018, I found out that I was selected for a promotion back in my hometown, which meant it was time for me to head back to the United States after living in England for three years.  I did miss home and I was excited to head back but there was an uneasy feeling that overcame me, so I did what the Reverend asked. I listened for the Holy Spirit.

I prayed and then heard the Lord tell me not to worry, but to be obedient to His word and to keep following Him.  He said don’t worry about your house back home.  I was concerned about my house because I own my home and when something breaks there is no one else to call…no landlord.  I knew I needed to replace the roof and I had recently replaced the deck, which was much needed.  Would I have the resources to maintain my house?  So, I do believe I heard from the Lord that day because He knew what was in my heart.  He went on to say that His Father has many rooms in Heaven (John 14:2) and he had a room for me.  He said that my house can’t compare to the room He has for me.  Wow!

I am always amazed when God speaks to me or when I notice things happening around me that I know God’s hand is in.  It sometimes overwhelms me, so much so that sometimes it brings me to tears.

I do try to imagine what my room might look like but my thoughts are limited to what I know here in this life.  I like to think about what I heard that day because it warms my heart and it inspires me to continue to follow Him knowing that a beautiful room awaits me in heaven.

To know you have heard from God:  He will never go against His own word.  He will not ask you to do something that may cause you to sin.  If you are ever unsure, speak to someone.  Preferably someone who knows the Lord and will pray with you to discern what you are hearing. And, of course, read from the Holy Bible.